Moloch Now

Some of my readers have emailed me asking if I had anything to say about the election of Pope Benedict XVI. Well lately I have been having troubles with my neithernet connection, though I believe it is fixed for now. It is really hard getting good tech support and especially house calls down here in the neither regions. Going through tech support is a real pain even if you have infinite time available. Not to be a demonic name dropper, but the demon who invented phone trees is a friend of mine and he is somewhat of a celebrity down here for inventing something so deliciously evil. Getting someone to come to your place when you live down here is a real pain. I try to give the support tech on the phone directions and they always hang up after I tell them "First go to Hell and..." and they never wait for the rest of the directions.

Anyway back to the new pope. The negative reaction that the election of Josef Ratzinger caused seemed to be good news for us. I have learned over time to be even more pessimistic when it comes to humans and the church. We were really celebrating the crucifixion of the Messiah. We though for sure that God would finally give those misbehaving humans what they deserve. Yet he rose again and even forgave those who crucified him. At first brush the new pope seems to be a polarizing figure that can potentially lead to even more divisions in the church. We really enjoy the fruits of a divided church since it becomes so much easier to gain recruits. A divided church helps to give scandal preventing some potential converts from joining. I don't usually quote Mr. Gody Two-shoes but he was right when he said a house divided can not stand. Time will tell if this possible good news bears out and we certainly hope it does. I feel a special affinity to church dissenters. Us demons invented dissent you know. We were the first to say no to God. Though we are not like wishy-washy humans that first hold one idea and then another. Our intellects and will are united so that when we said no we were able to say it for all time. And can you blame us for not following God? Him becoming human and all that. Demons are perfect spiritual beings with none of the flaws of those messy spirit-body conglomerations. Yet did he incarnate as one of us whose intellects are so superior? No he becomes one of them and just keeps offering them mercy when they don't deserve it.

We are kind of disappointed that the new pope hasn't said "Anathema Sit even" even one time yet. No excommunications have been declared and he even appears warm in front of the camera. Hopefully the stereotype of him being a hardliner and really mean spirited guy will survive the real truth about him. Judging human conduct in the past this is not just wishful thinking. They are nicely able to conveniently ignore facts when it suits them. It is really amazing just how many people there are that are willing to work for us for free and mainly with little supervisory effort required. We have a large all-volunteer force taking out the message. Mainstreaming sexual immorality is the one of the best things since the apple. Downplaying sin and turning guilt into a decease really has helped with our recruitment drive. Each and everyone of us demons is a unique creation and a separate species and kind since we don't have those funky bodies. We don't have to have anything to do with families. I always thought the main problem with God was that the Trinity is like a family - an inherent flaw that probably explains why he is so mushy towards humans. We have a special hatred for families and pine for their destruction. Everything that helps weaken or destroy the family is good. The dissenters who unknowingly work for us have been especially apt at chipping away at the family through divorce, contraception, abortion, homosexuality, radical feminism and other tools of the trade. Not all of the dissenters apply every tool available, and some even are against some of them, but for free labor who are we complain if they only advocate the use of one or more tools chipping away at the family? We just hope that the new pope is as divisive and polarizing as his critics claim and that more people will dissent from church teaching.

A reader pointed me to this article called The Church of Moloch (Reformed). This unfortunately appears to be a parody and so I am a little disappointed. There is a lot of good suggestions in it that I might take up at some time.

What is your worship like?

We try to suit our worship to your business needs. Instead of musty old hymns and rituals that are centuries out of date, we offer seminars led by recognized business leaders. Instead of uncomfortable pews and uninviting altars, we have a big conference table with ergonomically correct chairs and a tasteful, limited-edition image of Moloch in the center.

Every worship/seminar begins with the Creed of Self-Affirmation. We open the main part of the worship with a prayer to the spirit of Moloch within us. After that comes the week’s seminar, with illustrations from our beautiful, hand-carved, gilt-inlayed overhead projector. Then there’s a short PowerPoint presentation by our high priest. We close with a prayer that the spirit of Moloch may ever dwell within us, to guide us and preserve us from the distractions of family and friendships that could lead us astray, and that we may always increase in wisdom and power (especially power) as we travel the Upward Path. Then we adjourn for lunch at Hooters.

When I saw the part about the PowerPoint presentation I knew it was a parody. I might be really evil and demand child sacrifices and such, but even I would not force people to sit through PowerPoint presentations.
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