Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Pitchfork Awards 

Very strangely a group of Catholics have somehow nominated me for a Catholic blog award in the category of "Most Bizarre." Now if they mean bizarre as in "unconventional and far-fetched in style or appearance" I will accept that as a left handed compliment. But what is unbelievable about this is that I am losing to Fr. Bryce Sibley. Now some priests I get along with just fine. Many hardly do anything to impede my business or even squawk against me much in their homilies. Some have actively assisted me by by telling their parishioners to follow their conscience when it comes to abortion, contraception, or other forms or other behavior approved of down here. Fr. Sibley though is another story and is definitely not on my good side. Craig Romero a Republican state senator was going to vote for a bill allowing some forms of human cloning. Yet that busybody priest talked to Mr. Romero and convinced him to vote against it which as a result caused the bill to fail.

This idea of handing out awards though makes me want to get into the act so I proudly (not of that humble crap) offer the 2005 Pitchfork Awards otherwise called the Circle of Hell Awards. Now there are so many deserving of an award, but I will highlight some great achievements in the culture and subculture of death.

6th Circle of Hell Award goes to the voters of California. Now I had doubts about the results of this one. With the severe budget woes in California you wouldn't think that they would bite on a $3 billion ballot initiative for embryonic stem-cell research. With my experience with human nature I should have readily recognized that if you make some outrageous promises when it comes to health and the possibility of a medical fountain of youth that people would flock to vote for this. So for the 59 percent of California voters for voted to offer stem-cell sacrifices I sincerely thank you and will give a 9th Circle of Hell gift certificate redeemable (I don't really like that word) at any shop down here.

5th Circle of Hell Award goes to the the Massachusetts Supreme Court and the three out of four judges that voted saying that homosexual marriage was legal under their constitution. I didn't use to like judges at all. Before the ones that were privately corrupt unfortunately didn't let that affect their rulings. Judges now are so much more enlightened and don't worry about things like either the law or public opinion. Any ruling that makes marriage seen as just a partnering of two (or more) people regardless of gender helps to knock down the institution of marriage. No fault divorce was one of my greatest achievements and is sure to bear fruit in years to come and now no-gender marriage is an excellent flip side.

4th Circle of Hell Award - The Groningen Protocol. A Netherlands' hospital came up with these guidelines to sacrifice ill newborns. I often read people proclaiming that the slippery slope is a bad thing. I strongly support the slippery slope since it slides right down into my domicile. It is not so much as a slope but a interstate highway to Hell!

3rd Circle of Hell Award - The Democratic Party. There was a time when I didn't like them at all but I have steadily grown to come to appreciate them more. Thankfully long gone are the days of anti-choice Democrats in power and the large majority consider abortion almost a sacrament. Even better they are about to appoint Howard Dean a doctor who use to intern with Planned Parenthood as head of the DNC. I thought they were teasing me at first with the talk of a Dean nomination, but now it looks like it will really happen. Now I know they put anti-choicer Harry Reid as the minority leader, though I felt better after he attacked a prominent anti-choice judge. I won't hold his views against him as long as he doesn't let it interfere with the nomination of pro-Roe judges. Now it would be unfair of me to at least not give some credit to the Republicans. They talk against me all the time and yet put pro-choicer Arlen Spectre in charge and there are a lot of pro-choice Republican nominees being talked about for the 2008 race. The GOP sends me mixed messages and at times seems to both embrace anti-choices and at the same time hold them at a distance. I do love the talk of a big tent because when it gets big enough I can get in there too!

2nd Circle of Hell Award - NARAL Pro-Choice America. There is only one thing that keeps them out of the number one spot in that they don't yet directly perform abortions. Otherwise they do an excellent job of getting out the message that it is not a baby but a choice. They are relentless and always available. Whenever some article gets into the paper in regards to abortion you can always expect to see a nice quote form NARAL defending abortion at any time. They even have their own blog now "Bush vs. Choice" which is a much read in my circles (of hell).

1st Circle of Hell Award - Obviously the award goes to Planned Parenthood who will probably win it year after year. I have been watching them for awhile and have continued to be impressed by their fine work. I knew it was going to be special from its roots when racist eugenicist Margaret Sanger started the organization that lead to Planned Parenthood. I mean with a start like that you know it is going to blossom and it did to now being the US's largest abortion provider. Now ole Margaret was a firm activist in favor of contraception though not abortion. That didn't bother me much since I knew that her normalizing and spreading contraception would lead directly to abortuaries and the stainless steel altars that satisfy me daily. Now all of this was enough to clinch first place and they really went over the top to make me happy with their teenwire.com site. What a great idea frank talk about sex and masturbation aimed directly at a teen audience. What a great business idea to keep people needing Planned Parenthoods services for years to come. They are really smart and talk about preserving virginity via anal sex. I asked around down here thinking that this one must have been demon inspired and was surprised to find that none of my demon brethren directly inspired this one. So I give them the highest praise in that their ideas are so good it would be hard for us to top them.

So winners contact me and I will send you your "Pitchie" statue along with patented asbestos handling gloves.


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